The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
