Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
