What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
