Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
