hotel room ftw
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
