You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
