We're facebook friends in real life
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
