fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
