Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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