The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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