i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
