dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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