I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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