I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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