I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
