You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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