Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
