i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
