He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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