No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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