You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
