don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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