I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
