Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
