I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
