I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
It was confusing and full of hummus
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
