The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
