I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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