i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
