i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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