Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
