Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
