I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
