I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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