I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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