Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
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