Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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