she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
