I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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