my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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