he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i think i have two assholes
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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