I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
