We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
