based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
