Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
