put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
