He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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