the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
