The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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