He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
