First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
