My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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