I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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