it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
