Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My dick has a subreddit
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
