Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
