he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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